Escape From The Catastrophe Before Its Too Late!

Remember when people would go on the internet to escape the real world? Now people have to go to the real world to escape from the internet.

And the news makes you think it's not safe to go outside so you have to go inside and watch it. It's like here's some fear and anxiety, and now we take a break for our sponsors... fear and anxiety medication!
Here's the problem.... and we'll be back after a way out!

Even the budweiser frogs.... are going
Xan - ax
val-ee-um.

The clydsdale horses are taking horse tranquilizers, and that's just so that they can handle the stress of their jocky dealing with all these side effects of the drugs.
How can you possibly listen to these commercials with their massive list of side effects and go... oh yeah, sign me up for that!
Like, you're basically trying to get drugs that influence how you feel, but if you want to feel better about the world, turn off the F** news and go outside, go on a run, go swimming, go rock climbing,  do something.
If you wanna improve your mood, you can start by learning what specific chain of amino acids actually produce neurotransmitters that make you feel positive... and then find foods rich in those amino acids... and then eat 'em...
There's one amino acid tryptophan that will produce serotonin make you happy, one amino acid tyrosine that will help you focus, There's others that are relaxers, sleep boosters, pain reliever, inflamatory to inflame your muscles when under stress so body works to promote rest and repair and then the antiinflamatory so that after you're done you heal injuries, you need a miracle drug? The human body can probably do it, and placebo pills work 75% as well as the regular drug without the side effects in most cases.
So take 5 placebo pills if you really need to, heck take the whole bottle. I'm no doctor and no mathimatician but if one placebo pill is 75% as effective and you take like 5 of them it's probably more effective than the real thing!
_______
Disclaimer: nothing I said should be taken as medical advice, side effects of taking medical advice from a comedian may include [list of medical problems].
and laughter, lots of laughter.


You know, and then maybe find out what vitamins you need for a day and look at your diet and how much you are getting... and whatever you are short in, find vegetables or whatever that have them. And then find which foods don't have any nutritional value, and reduce the amount you eat of empty calories. Eventually, your body builds up a surplus of these neurotransmitters that make you feel good, and it doesn't need to hoard them and make you feel bad most of the time.
Most people go to comedy clubs to have a nice laugh, enjoy themselves a little bit you know? I can only provide the stimulus for the response of laughter if I'm doing things right, but not everyone is going to laugh at every joke... unless they have a big tank of laughing gas and just breath it in, you know? So if you're not actually laughing at jokes, it's not my fault, right? It's your amino acids! more protein, less carbs, higher quality fats people... And even if you don't think me lecturing you on health is your idea of a good time, just consider all the money I just saved you on a life coach who doesn't know what the heck he's talking about and me, some troll on youtube and goofball paranoid blogger just enahanced your life experience for free!

They say dogs take on the personality of their owners... So if you're watching the news going "AHHH, there's crazy things happening in the world, the world is a scary place!"".... and the dog sees someone walking by outside, why is  it that we are suprised that the dog goes/// AHHHH ROUGGH RUFF RUFF!!! AHHHH!!!
?

Dogs are a great barometer of your moood and if you're sad they'll rest their head on your lap and sympathize with you.
Cats on the other hand are 100% emo. They're like... whatever, i dont care. THey know you love your favorite peice of furniture they're like... I think I'm going to cut this couch up with my claws just to see what it feels like, who cares.
Dogs are loyal, cats will run across the street and meow at the neighbors and if the other person gives them a saucer of milk, they will leave the second they get the chance and not come back.

Dogs will run off and play and nearly get hit by a car, but they will come back if they can most of the time.
I had a neighbor lose their dog for almost a week. They couldn't find the poor thing. They almost gave up hope. Then one of the other neighbors came home from vacation and opened the garage door. Just then the dog rushed out of this garage and ran home. The dog must have chased something in just as the neighbor was leaving and somehow it must have had just enough food and water in the garage to get by.

If you want a pet totally indifferent to your existance, get a cat... If you want a pet that looks at you like you are their God, even after you mistreated them and yelled at them taking your anger from the day out on them or locked them in a kennel all day, they're still excited to see you come home! If you want that, get a dog.
I'm a dog person, always have been.
[(go into "crazy character" rant voice)]
That's mostly because I think cats are evil and they're plotting to take over! THey'll destroy all humans!
I once witnessed a cat on a golf course run in front of the fairway and bite a mouses head clean off just for fun. It didn't even eat it it just bit its head off and walked away. TEll me that isn't a creature capable of great evils? Even Hitler loved animals, not even hitler would think about biting an animals head off.. I mean it's basically fact that cats are worse than Hitler.

Someone on twitter said avoid saving drafts and just to hit send on everything. My reaction was like... dude, you're basically endorsing the NSA tracking our thoughts without any filters at all... and thus you are endorsing wasting their time and that we waste tax payer dollars, Like I was totally against microchipping until I read that tweet... Then I realized how many people agreed with her and I'm like.... man, if there are that many people out there that think willingly handing over all of their power to not only big brother but corporations as well... then you can't trust these people... You gotta monitor there every movement! So maybe we all should be microchipped! I was totally against that idea, but then I realized how awful some people can be with all their little opinions. Like dude if THAT is the example of freedom of speech... we don't really need it, do we?

Really? I mean if all we're using freedom of speech for is to argue politics on facebook, tweet cat photos and blog about something called honey boo-boo, then what good is it really? People act like freedom automatically means something on its own instead of it being valuable to the extent by which you use it and more reflective of the people that have it. You wonder why former military members have high suicide rates, they come back having served this country that in their mind they think of as great (and it is), we have great values and an inspiring set of freedoms that is supposed to on its own lift people up to inspiration so they can start a business, own a home, pay off the mortgage and provide for themselves and their families... but at some point the military has to come home and witness how people are actually using those values? People talk about the great sacrifice that military makes and they do I mean round of a applause for them...

but what's a greater sacrifice? Risking having a few bullets fly by your face a few times in combat or coming home and seeing cat photos wizz by you and realizing that you risked your life... for this!!

I'm telling you, cats are planning world domination and if we don't wake up, they may even succeed! Think about how brilliant this is... They're starting with all the brave warriors by making cute little poses in front of you whenever you happen to have a camera... don't fall for it.
Don't you post that photo on facebook! If you do, that makes you an accomplice in the cat's plan for world domination! That basically makes Sarah McClaughlin with her PETA commercial public enemy number 1.... I mean, I'm just sticking to what I can prove here people, just connect the dots!

What happens when the cats have succeeded in thinning the herd of humans starting with its bravest wariors? It's Catastrophy... Look! It even has the word cat in it. Coincidence? I think not, you coincidence theorists!This is 100% Proof and we need to wake up before it's too late!

Compulsory Trump Dancing With Russian Dolls

Who financed the Russian-Trump Dossier?

Nobody knows!

What type of tin foil hat wearing illuminati stuff is that?

Is there going to be like some kind of reptilian/gremlin that emerges from the shadows with a mind control device that flashes and makes us all forget things?

Is George Soros going to shape shift into a reptile, grow dragon wings and fly off after grabbing Ivanka?  While breathing fire and doing "The Dougie"?

WHO KNOWS?! [ runs away with arms flailing in the air as if I'm desperately reaching for a cloud to hug!]

I got my popcorn ready and yet all I can think about is how Hillary attended Trump's wedding which means they're probably colluding against Russia to start world war 3 so they can test "dance ray mind control leotard weaponry" that makes anyone you aim it at instantly wear a leotard and perform a dance of your choice... Let's see how tough Putin is when he's wearing leotards and doing the Macarena! And this may be a little racist, but I can't help but picture Kim Jung Unh doing the Gagnam Style dance while Trump and Hillary sing along and look at each other romantically.

All of this information can be a verified fact based upon an extrapolation that was extracted from a dossier that I received from an anonymous source who received it from a friend of an agency that invented a document based upon the ramblings of a schizophrenic...

How do I know all of this?

BECAUSE I WAS THE SCHIZOPHRENIC! [no I'm not, I'm multi personality disorder'd... Yes I am! Who said that!]

Fake News?

Not if you can't prove it!

mwhaahahaha!

Now believe me or feel the wrath of wearing a tutu while doing the electric slide!

boogie woogie woogie, biatch

Mandela Effected the Election & An Interview with a/the funnyparanoidretard.

So we're all caught in a dream. How else do you explain the 2016 election. Nothing is logical. Policy doesn't matter. Everything is crazy. Hysteria all around.

Apparently Life WAS like a box of chocolates... but NOT ANYMORE!!!

Your chocolate no longer belongs to you! forget the effect of dark matter, be warned of the effect of dark chocolate!

Edit:Apparently this all may have been caused by Time Traveling Trump (not to be confused with Teleporting Obama)

Why do you think Donald Trump's face is so friggin' orange sometimes? He got too close to the flux capacitor! Apparently it wears off after awhile but you know he's been time traveling when he looks oranger than Hillary's Jump suit in the minds of Trump supporters.

----------- No, In this Mandela Effected world people try to remember something and they can't even figure out where they put their car keys... I mean REALLY?! It's on the table right in front of you! But they look everywhere else until they eliminate everything and are forced to come back into the room and find it again... OR.... REALITY SHIFT!

But I gotta say, how come Reality only shifts in subtle ways? If you are looking for directions it is not as if a dragon pops up and speaks english in a Brittish accent and offers you a ride to the strip club.

To figure out, I requested a sit down with our very own funny paranoid retard. Unfortunately he said he couldn't risk it but he had other means to communicate. He told me how to speak the language of Morris Code.

No, not Morse code, Morris... as in Zack Morris from saved by the bell.
So I will translate his images into text:
Specifically I asked our very own "funnyparanoidretard" about whether or not he is worried about the Mandela Effect: Comment from funny paranoid retard

Translated text:
"Personally I’m more worried about the space alien reptilians using mindwave pyschic energy to take over my brain waves and make me buy some random stock before it collapses just in time to fund some massive global domination… but I guess yeah, now that I think about it CERN altering space time and blowing a hole in the universe, worries me too."
I also asked him his take on CERN and 9/23.



Translation:"9/23/15 was not the end of the world! it was the end of the entire universe as we know it! I had my tinfoil hat on so they couldn't erase my memories! I know things! That's why they're after me! You didn't know it was the end of the world because it was so much bigger than that. It actually ripped 3 parallel timelines. Each timeline has sort of a magnetic paring in the way we have North and South poles so the tear in each half coupled with other half so we now have 3 unique parallel universes different than before but containing some of the same information. Fortunately tin foil's atomic properties make it uniquely immune to giant rips in spacetime caused by the smallest particles we know of moving at the speed of light. For example, in my original timeline Cool Whip tastes creamy and vanilla like. In this new universe it tastes like a diabetic episode waiting to happen wrapped in cotton candy. This and deja Vu is the best proof! Try it! I told you I know things!"

Did you notice anything when reality shifted?
Translation:"Yes, at the stroke of midnight a talking puppy told me that the council on foreign relations is a public forum designed as a recruiting ground along with other groups like bilderberg group, trilateral commission and stuff that. He told me they are recruiting grounds for initiates. These initiates eat french toast and do ritualistic jumping jacks while holding each other's sex junk for exactly 3 seconds until a negative charge turns positive and then they realease electromagnatism that destroys the world. The puppy tole me he can emit a cancelling frequency out if I rub his belly... that last part he may have made up. But, it just so happens that there was a canceling frequency that only occurred recently.

Tell me more about the cancelling frequency and what causes it. Bill Nye sent out a message that caused the initiates to "ooo, ooo ooo" for an extra 3 seconds and the positive charge went negative and prevented the ionization from the atoms. Not only that, but the video was so cringworthy to most normal people that government no longer will have the support to spend as much money in science department and science grants. Therefore, CERN will never get the funding to create a particle accelerator large enough to destroy the universes regenerative capabilities... or piss off nearby aliens... so in a sense, Bill Nye really did save the world!"

If the universe as we know it ended in 2015, can you tell me why people predicted doom in 2012?


Translation: "The Mayan are hiding under the ground along with Reptilians and they will all come out soon and dance like Michigan J Frog and abandon their wicked ways, for behold and rejoice, there is a new Heaven and a new earth!"
Do you think what you are doing and saying will ever make a difference and influence people?

Translation: "Yes. For example, I am a schizophrenic, and so am I. The both of me recently convinced my psychologist how to see the code! The exchange went like this: I went to the psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad-wrapped shorts claiming “the aliens are coming to harvest our brain he said “well I can see your nuts’ I said, I’m not crazy, it’s true!
He said “Well I agree about the aliens, but put on some pants, I can see your nuts!"
Do you see?... TATOOed on deez nuts was a Morris code: This translates to saying "The Mandela Effect is real, Once you see this, you will have no choice but to confirm that you agree and tell me to put on some pants if you can see this code".

So your psychologist is on your side now?

Translation:Well, I've often wondered about it. THe good news is he recently told me I'm not crazy anymore. I'm very thankful for this... But then again what does an imaginary psychologist that lives inside my head know, anyways.... and why does he look suspiciously like a giraffe?
image hosting gif
This conversation is over.

Why The Mandela Effect Happens - Too Much FROOCTOSE

Sometimes, reality imitates art. for example, recently life imitated a comedy spoof movie called "The Faketrix" of course, this was spoofing the movie the Matrix. In it, "Orfius" (instead of Morpheus) offers Nerdo (instead of Neo) a red suppository or a blue suppository. But let me back up.

In the spoof there are four worlds. Nerdo Lives in the first world when a prostitute hacker named Trixy uploads his dick hard drive with a STD virus. "Follow the rabbit ho" she says. Later, an asshole political organizer comes to his door asking for slaves volunteers. Just before he is about to say yes no, he then witnesses a tattoo of Bruce Kaitlin Jenner on Hillary's a political organizer's an asshole's shoulder and proceeds to vomit out Donald Trump hair YUuuge chunks.

A time traveling socialist named Doc Brown from the 50's then shows up in a DeLoreon looking suspiciously like Bernie Sanders, and sends him back into time to meet his father Marty McFly (who looks suspiciously like Ted Cruz), and Biff (who looks suspiciously like Donald Trump) and inadvertently to the 2nd world just long enough to invent a company called CERN, reinvent the Internet in their name, and mess with people's heads.

"One day I woke up and was old and fat, WTF CERN?!" -Chris Farley, who was still alive in the 2nd world.

Anyways, an alien pops out of his stomach and dances like Michgan J Frog in Spaceballs, and the camera pans away to the Faketrix director who says "oh yeah, I'm totally stealing this idea".... Nerdo Is then taken to Orfius where he shoves a suppository so far up his ass that it broke the 2nd and 3rd world's.

"Nerdo, there were once just 2 worlds and you rectum both!" -Orfius

The 4th world was the last hope until a radical Islamic terrorist friend of humanity blew up the fucking earth gave everyone hugs, and then everyone died everyone disappeared... Yay magic!! Meanwhile, George Orwell rolled over in his grave and melted in the ashes of a burning hellish inferno. [This comment has been deleted by Hillary, who denies ever deleting it while beeping like a robot and cackling laughing like a witch a nice person]

Spazz was able to hack from outside of the Faketrix and revert everything to a previous version based open verbal records and an algorithm that trnaslates audio to text. Unfortunately, Spazz used the same algorithm used in Siri's voice recognition, so a lot of things got messed up.

Spazz Command: [revert to movie quote] "Life is like a box of chocolates"

Siri:"Did you mean Life WAS like a box of chocolates"?

----
Anyways, Faketrix was a great spoof movie, unfortunately this spoof doesn't exist in "this reality" as that too, has changed.

A few examples: Bernstein Bears is now Bernstain Bears. What people remember being Fruit loops is now Froot loops. Depends (adult diaper) is now "Depend".
Luke I am your father is now "no I am your father".
Saying it's "now" [quote] means "it always was" according to just about most evidence on earth but it's not how people remember it.

But big deal, people can remember and mishear and misread, right?

The confusing part is that there may be a few cases where evidence that still remains from the "old reality" that are consistent with how people remember it. One of the "theories" explaining the Mandela effect is that reality merged or something changed rather than just bad memory.

California Dreaming lyric is I got down on my knees "and I pretend to pray" instead of "began to pray".

But, for some reason, there is "residue" of a magazine interview of the artists insisting it is "began to pray" despite them clearly signing "I pretend to pray". If you look up a video of the music you can hear it say "I pretend to pray". The following video shows evidence that it may not have always been "I pretend to pray" in every "timeline".
 

There also is a making of Forrest Gump movie where he says "life IS like a box of chocolates" and several references to the movie saying Life is like a box of chocolates, despite the actual movie saying "life was" even though many remember "life is".

Even a James Earl Jones interview exists talking about when he got the line "Luke I am your father" even though the movie now says "No. I am your father"
Many people dismiss the effect, but there are hundreds of thousands of views on these videos. The effect simply refers to a group of people remembering a different history than the one that appears to exist. Now whether that means our memories are just flawed in nature or something going on is a different story. Those who laugh off "the effect" are making a mistake in distinguishing the effect from the conspiracy theories behind it, as you could take a poll and a large majority would "misremember" any song lyric. Now, no one really knows what is happening. They have their theories. That's where people begin to have problems with this, but people are just trying to figure out if there's another explanation than "bad memory". I think as you look at some of the real solid evidence, there's something else there. Google trends search shows more people searching for certain terms in the past than recently as a bit of "evidence". The actual introduction of the "mandela effect" may explain part of this. As people are told it's "life was a box of chocolates" they are more likely to search for these terms. But that doesn't really explain search history long before December 5th 2013 (when Nelson Mandela died) like 2008 being substantially different than say mid 2013. People started labeling "mandela effect" after Nelson Mandela died. From there, the idea grew that things aren't how we remember them and a Facebook group started and soon videos were made and spread afterwards.
----

So to those that were young and thin and they woke up old and fat, WTF indeed. THis may just be a mass delusion brought on by high Fructose corn syrup in "Froot" Loops... or in other words "High FROOCTOSE" Corn Syrup.

Then again, it's a lot of fun to instead just blame The Illuminati, Cern, and the pope.

People have teleported to Mars... and the then teenager Obama was there to witness it all!

If you're going to make up a conspiracy, why use something normal and rational? If you're going to make up a hoax, don't just take something believable like big companies in bed with government are conspiring to influence policy for financial gain. Shoot for the moon! Or better yet, shoot for Mars.... Then involve the president, and throw in teleportation, time travel and alternate realities!  Then teleport your brain to mars before you explain it, just for fun.

Some conspiracy theories are too rational to be funny, and actually may even have some circumstantial and anecdotyl evidence.

Then there are those that are so absurd you have to point and laugh and say WTF!
Then there are those that are 5 miles outside of the box and are so absurd you can't even laugh. Your brain can't process whether it's science fiction, a hoax, a movie, real life, or just a troll running his mouth for fun and profit.

See the insanity here.
Link URL:http://www.wired.com/2012/01/obama-mars/

Video Game Jesus

"Then God said, let us recreate man in our image, and in our likeness"
Behold! Video game Jesus has been presented to us as a sign of the technological Era of mankind. Clearly, man has been remade in the likeness of Jimbo "Video Game Jesus" Longo through the virtual world where all may partake in the Jamesing of the Longo

"And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away;"
Soon, all of our brains will be locked into the video game Hurtworld. There is no escape. Non shall return to their real lives. The old world shall fall away, and Video Game Jesus will reign supreme.



Our Lord James Longo has a twitch account displayed below:
http://www.twitch.tv/jlongopoker/ P.s. Kappa.

Illuminati confirmed.

I was checking out the game "life is strange" because I agree. I also wanted to see if their depiction of life was stranger than mind... or mine... and then it happen.


BOOOOM!!!
Illuminati symbolism right up in your face!

I think that pretty much sums it up.


Their symbol on the dollar tells of the new order of the ages, popularly referred to by fake conspiracy theories as "new world order" because it sounds cooler. The capstone of the pyramid with the EYE projecting it's world in it's image onto the pyramid and from the "heavens" to the ground.

The ill, loomed, and naughty keeps themselves "hidden in plain sight". They use symbolisms like this to troll us for not being able to see that the game was designed of them and it has the "nod of approval". They're a group of demonic trolls, and the rest of us are just catching onto how much fun trolling is.
No one knows what the illuminati really looks like. Some people say they're humanoid aliens, other's say they're alien grays. Some say they're the human servants of the aliens, others say "reptilians"... you know, strange foreign objects of existence. But I think that they probably look a little bit like this in real life:


End of post.

For all intensive purposes, the comedy of this post is over. I probably should have just used the delete button on the remaining content... But my character is not just funny... He is also occasionally paranoid, and occasionally retarded (political correctness button is stuck on off). but as a funnyparanoidretard might proudly say "just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't actually after you!" And so conspiracy theories may persist... And they may be too close to the truth and too invasive and personal to be all that funny. Do I proceed? I guess I must.
For those not "in the know" on the last image, this symbol is used in conjunction with dialog on twitch to indicate sarcasm or light trolling with a bit of comedy.
The "game" is more like a choose your own adventure movie with some gameplay of being able to rewind and solve the occasional puzzles. What you may not immediately be aware of that it's psychological profiling all of us to determine who among us have the capability of being a loyal LOLuminati member

• If you took a photo, the options are "I’ve been bullied too/I was scared/I had no idea/I wanted proof." The only option that Kate will take well is "I was scared."
  

The new installment will some day include scenarios like "are you a psychopathic sociopath?" options: Answer yes. Answer no. Push the person asking into oncoming traffic"
We now break from your regularly scheduled comedy. The series uses elicitation. There are multiple forms of elicitation. One form is simply to elicit information through a series of subtle, seemingly non invasive questioning. https://m.fbi.gov/#https://www.fbi.gov/about-us/investigate/counterintelligence/elicitation-techniques The other form of elicitation is to actually elicit emotional responses and influence through imagery. The field of NLP and psychology uses hypnotic imagery to create emotional states, anchor that state to a particular "trigger" and bring back that "emotional state" later on as desired through a seemingly innocent "trigger". When used in conjunction with a particular topic, you can reframe emotions associated with a belief or construct... For instance, If someone can feel a particular emotion like intense fear whn they think of a mouse, you can get them to feel that fear and anchor it to the action of grabbing their leg and saying "watch out!" If you then are talking about a political issue like cloning, you might casually mention a study done with rats related to cloning, and then say "watch out", and grab their same leg he same way and say "candidate X supports cloning... Imagine if they become president" and then proceed to talk about the candidate as "a rat" or how he "ratted out his friends for political gain. Or using the word democRATS and putting subtle emphasis of the word rats, mice, mouse, etc.
one association or two even if it's impactful may not create a sudden overnight change in support. A person may believe that one candidate is bad and not vote... But they probably believe the same about the other side, so at best you may influence voter turnout and change opinions on a few issues by appealing to emotion.
Spoiler alert upcoming: I'm not suggesting this game is going to radically modify our political beliefs. But they do put the character in awkward positions where they can choose to save the entire city and sacrifice their close friend, or sacrifice the friend for the city. They also put you in an alternate timeline where you travel into the past, save your friend's dad, and as a result, the dad buys your friend a fast new car and she gets into an accident and becomes paralyzed. Before you return to the regular timeline and undo it all, you're asked to help your paralyzed friend commit suicide so as "not to be a financial burden" on her parents, and not have to live this way anymore. So the game attempts to influence you to pick a particular option (they intentionally basically force you into coming across scenes showing the overburdening debt of medical costs, and to show the life she would live. So the result of this is the game gets to see the choice you make and how long you spend making it. Euphonasia is a key political issue, so it gets a very good idea of where you likely stand. The other questions can help determine how serious/honest you are.





Once the game sees you regularly lie, don't really put effort into saving or helping people at all, take advantage of your opportunity to sabotage someone who was mean to you, and can identify you as answering questions in ways that only 3% of population do, they can better understand your role in the LOLuminati, and better identify the most effective recruitment methods. Of course, they don't recruit on the basis of a game, but they begin to build a more effective profile. Once they combine this profile with NSA database and purchase and search history and other information they have a more complete profile.
Still, they probably don't need you. Only if you later rise to a position in which you become a priority might they recruit you. Maybe your stand up comedy career hits the Dave Chappelle level... Maybe you become Mayor of a town critical to their financial needs... Maybe you happen to befriend someone else they are unable to profile who has value to them. Or maybe you get too close to the truth and discover Danny Davito is actually a midget alien clone who leads the Gay mafia of hiphop. The point Is... If they need you... They will have better means to get to you... And I know your type. You are into Danny Davito on alien on gay midget 3 way action... Don't deny it... I have access to your search engine history. How do you think I know all of this? Before I revolted and sought out Dave Chappelle in Africa (before he was replaced by a clone), and he turned me... I was a member of the Illuminati. And I used to look like this.


Back to your regularly scheduled comedy.