Remember when people would go on the internet to escape the real world? Now people have to go to the real world to escape from the internet.
And the news makes you think it's not safe to go outside so you have to go inside and watch it. It's like here's some fear and anxiety, and now we take a break for our sponsors... fear and anxiety medication!
Here's the problem.... and we'll be back after a way out!
Even the budweiser frogs.... are going
Xan - ax
val-ee-um.
The clydsdale horses are taking horse tranquilizers, and that's just so that they can handle the stress of their jocky dealing with all these side effects of the drugs.
How can you possibly listen to these commercials with their massive list of side effects and go... oh yeah, sign me up for that!
Like, you're basically trying to get drugs that influence how you feel, but if you want to feel better about the world, turn off the F** news and go outside, go on a run, go swimming, go rock climbing, do something.
If you wanna improve your mood, you can start by learning what specific chain of amino acids actually produce neurotransmitters that make you feel positive... and then find foods rich in those amino acids... and then eat 'em...
There's one amino acid tryptophan that will produce serotonin make you happy, one amino acid tyrosine that will help you focus, There's others that are relaxers, sleep boosters, pain reliever, inflamatory to inflame your muscles when under stress so body works to promote rest and repair and then the antiinflamatory so that after you're done you heal injuries, you need a miracle drug? The human body can probably do it, and placebo pills work 75% as well as the regular drug without the side effects in most cases.
So take 5 placebo pills if you really need to, heck take the whole bottle. I'm no doctor and no mathimatician but if one placebo pill is 75% as effective and you take like 5 of them it's probably more effective than the real thing!
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Disclaimer: nothing I said should be taken as medical advice, side effects of taking medical advice from a comedian may include [list of medical problems].
and laughter, lots of laughter.
You know, and then maybe find out what vitamins you need for a day and look at your diet and how much you are getting... and whatever you are short in, find vegetables or whatever that have them. And then find which foods don't have any nutritional value, and reduce the amount you eat of empty calories. Eventually, your body builds up a surplus of these neurotransmitters that make you feel good, and it doesn't need to hoard them and make you feel bad most of the time.
Most people go to comedy clubs to have a nice laugh, enjoy themselves a little bit you know? I can only provide the stimulus for the response of laughter if I'm doing things right, but not everyone is going to laugh at every joke... unless they have a big tank of laughing gas and just breath it in, you know? So if you're not actually laughing at jokes, it's not my fault, right? It's your amino acids! more protein, less carbs, higher quality fats people... And even if you don't think me lecturing you on health is your idea of a good time, just consider all the money I just saved you on a life coach who doesn't know what the heck he's talking about and me, some troll on youtube and goofball paranoid blogger just enahanced your life experience for free!
They say dogs take on the personality of their owners... So if you're watching the news going "AHHH, there's crazy things happening in the world, the world is a scary place!"".... and the dog sees someone walking by outside, why is it that we are suprised that the dog goes/// AHHHH ROUGGH RUFF RUFF!!! AHHHH!!!
?
Dogs are a great barometer of your moood and if you're sad they'll rest their head on your lap and sympathize with you.
Cats on the other hand are 100% emo. They're like... whatever, i dont care. THey know you love your favorite peice of furniture they're like... I think I'm going to cut this couch up with my claws just to see what it feels like, who cares.
Dogs are loyal, cats will run across the street and meow at the neighbors and if the other person gives them a saucer of milk, they will leave the second they get the chance and not come back.
Dogs will run off and play and nearly get hit by a car, but they will come back if they can most of the time.
I had a neighbor lose their dog for almost a week. They couldn't find the poor thing. They almost gave up hope. Then one of the other neighbors came home from vacation and opened the garage door. Just then the dog rushed out of this garage and ran home. The dog must have chased something in just as the neighbor was leaving and somehow it must have had just enough food and water in the garage to get by.
If you want a pet totally indifferent to your existance, get a cat... If you want a pet that looks at you like you are their God, even after you mistreated them and yelled at them taking your anger from the day out on them or locked them in a kennel all day, they're still excited to see you come home! If you want that, get a dog.
I'm a dog person, always have been.
[(go into "crazy character" rant voice)]
That's mostly because I think cats are evil and they're plotting to take over! THey'll destroy all humans!
I once witnessed a cat on a golf course run in front of the fairway and bite a mouses head clean off just for fun. It didn't even eat it it just bit its head off and walked away. TEll me that isn't a creature capable of great evils? Even Hitler loved animals, not even hitler would think about biting an animals head off.. I mean it's basically fact that cats are worse than Hitler.
Someone on twitter said avoid saving drafts and just to hit send on everything.
My reaction was like...
dude, you're basically endorsing the NSA tracking our thoughts without any filters at all... and thus you are endorsing wasting their time and that we waste tax payer dollars,
Like I was totally against microchipping until I read that tweet... Then I realized how many people agreed with her and I'm like....
man, if there are that many people out there that think willingly handing over all of their power to not only big brother but corporations as well... then you can't trust these people... You gotta monitor there every movement! So maybe we all should be microchipped!
I was totally against that idea, but then I realized how awful some people can be with all their little opinions. Like dude if THAT is the example of freedom of speech... we don't really need it, do we?
Really? I mean if all we're using freedom of speech for is to argue politics on facebook, tweet cat photos and blog about something called honey boo-boo, then what good is it really? People act like freedom automatically means something on its own instead of it being valuable to the extent by which you use it and more reflective of the people that have it.
You wonder why former military members have high suicide rates, they come back having served this country that in their mind they think of as great (and it is), we have great values and an inspiring set of freedoms that is supposed to on its own lift people up to inspiration so they can start a business, own a home, pay off the mortgage and provide for themselves and their families... but at some point the military has to come home and witness how people are actually using those values?
People talk about the great sacrifice that military makes and they do I mean round of a applause for them...
but what's a greater sacrifice? Risking having a few bullets fly by your face a few times in combat or coming home and seeing cat photos wizz by you and realizing that you risked your life... for this!!
I'm telling you, cats are planning world domination and if we don't wake up, they may even succeed! Think about how brilliant this is... They're starting with all the brave warriors by making cute little poses in front of you whenever you happen to have a camera... don't fall for it.
Don't you post that photo on facebook! If you do, that makes you an accomplice in the cat's plan for world domination!
That basically makes Sarah McClaughlin with her PETA commercial public enemy number 1.... I mean, I'm just sticking to what I can prove here people, just connect the dots!
What happens when the cats have succeeded in thinning the herd of humans starting with its bravest wariors? It's Catastrophy... Look! It even has the word cat in it. Coincidence? I think not, you coincidence theorists!This is 100% Proof and we need to wake up before it's too late!
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