The Toothpaste Conspiracy

There's this thing I call conspiracy theory poker. If anyone tells you a conspiracy theory, you can either fold or raise. Do not argue with them, do not call their bet and actually have a discussion... you fold or raise. Most people fold... look, I get it... When some guy named Subway Ted (By that way is a lot better than Jared from the Subway commercials).. but when Subway Ted starts telling you this thing like "we never landed on the moon, the earth is flat" you probably just want to slowly back away. But that's really not as much fun as raising, because they never expect it.
He's like:"We never landed on the moon"
 You go: "The People from the Challenger space launch are still alive" 
he's like:"Yeah, NASA doesn't even exist"

you're like: "NASA is part of the department of defense, I heard it in a rap song from B.o.B"
He's like:"Well, the earth is flat"
You're like: "The moon doesn't exist!"
Then he's like... well, it's been nice chatting with you, glad to see you're awake" and then he slowly backs away.

Get the other guy to fold if you can, it's really fun.

I didn't always know about conspiracy theory poker, so I'd usually just either fold and back away slowly with my hands up or try to argue with the guy. Big mistake you try to argue why the moon isn't actually made out of cheese since you're going to hear about the media monopoly run by Kraft Macaroni and cheese and how they infiltrated NASA or something ridiculous.

There was one conspiracy theorist that caught my attention once. It was this guy who looked homeless, but had the whitest teeth you've seen.

So I met this guy who's like "You know they're putting chemicals in the water. I'm like, who is they, what chemicals, and for what purpose. And he's like... "you don't know?"
I'm like... "No!" /// why are you even telling me if you think I already know.
"They're putting flouride in the water."
So ... toothpaste.
he's like, "yeah it's in your toothpaste too and if you swallow more than a pea sized amount you have to contact poison control.Look on the back! look on the back! Its true"
As it turns out, that is true, you do have to contact poison control...

if you're a small child.

So... for a full grown adult it will take any a lot more than that... but, I'll give this crazy guy the benefit of the doubt and give him partial credit on this one. I won't say crazy, I'll say paranoid... because he didn't think they were putting chemicals in the water for better dental hygiene.

That was my thing I'm like so they want cleaner teeth. And he's like, no! it is not even proven to prevent tarter build up or teeth decay any more than baking soda. No one used to just brush their teeth before they starter marketing the idea that whenever you run your tongue over your teeth, there's a film feeling, which is always there but it's a trigger to brush your teeth and form a new habit.. and then the toothpaste brands found out that if you felt some kind of clean burning feeling in your mouth you think that means it's working.

And I'm looking at this guy.... and now all I can think about is...
why does this guy have teeth that are whiter than mine?

I don't know if any of this is true but if he wanted to convince me, he certainly prepared for that. Normally its never the clean teeth guy telling you about flouride in the water, it's some homeless guy who has terrible teeth, presumably from doing meth, but this guy's teeth was clean... so I actually had to talk to him some more. Normally this is the point where I slowly back away, but this guys teeth.... really bothered me....

So I'm like, why are your teeth so white? He's like, oh I use nonflouridated toothpaste it works about the same... but you're missing the point.

I'm thinking to myself, I'm not really looking for the point, you're kind of doing that pointing thing that Bernie Sanders does that makes him look crazier than he would be if he didn't.

He says "Fluoride is a toxin that slows down your immune system, blocks your iodine receptors and has been proven in studies to lower IQ, and even CNN admits this now"
Just to troll him I was like "oh so fake news says it's real so it must be real"
I can see the guy just speachless... he's probably thiking... "DANG IT, THEY NEVER AGKNOWLEDGE flouride causing IQ declines before and now that they finally do no one believes them?"
He's like "Well there's studies. Just look up the iodine receptor antagonists and flouride, you'll see"
And now I'm even more pissed and I didn't admit it at the time, but this guy seemed crazy, but he was also sounding like he actually did research and knew things and wasn't just some guy in the woods writing up theorist he thought would sound goodlike the flat earthers who think if they convince someone the earth is flat they're actually going to grab a plane and fly south over the south pole and when they come back they'll be like "Ha, fooled you!" I don't know... as it turns out it's really hard to fly directly over the south pole now.  I don't really think they're going to ever get anyone ... but man it's a really good try.

And then I'm flashing back to the time when conspiracy theorists told me the NSA was spying on us using technology through our phones and this was before Edward Snowden...

I mean they once told you Area 51 didn't exist and then they doubled the size of the funding in the budget to a place that officially still didn't exist. Then they told you the NSA didn't exist they told you they weren't spying....

So I had to look this stuff up and as it turns out...

...The moon doesn't exist!

...If only I had said the moon doesn't exist and played conspiracy theory poker I could have dealt with this situation but now not a day goes by when I don't think about this guy's non flouridated white teeth and the fact that that's all I can think about just show you that the flouride is probably working exactly according to plan. I mean I'm totally drinking the fluoridated water. I drink as much water as the next guy. For all I know I will be first in line to get microchipped for a free coffee mug. I thought I was against microchipping, but then I saw how gullible people are and how willing they are to give up control to big brother and big brother's friends Facebook and Google. People are like, don't ever save drafts on twitter, just push send on everything.. that way you can leave a paper trail of your thinking and they can develop algorithms to replace you with robots. Like if people are that willing to give up control... You can't trust them, you gotta keep an eye on their every movement, right? But you can't do that right away, you have to make them dumber, so put flouride in their water and problem solved!

I wouldn't be thinking like this but I never knew about conspiracy theory poker before and now I can't stop thinking about Mr White Teeth McGee telling me about flouride making me dumb.


I mean we're all convinced that our political preference is correct and everyone else who thinks differently on any issue is a total moron... I don't know if that's the flouride or our own delusions, but you have to admit, there do seem to be a lot of people that aren't exactly Albert Einstein if you know what I mean

I mean there are a lot of what we used to call "retards" out there... and now we just say they're a few fries short of a happy meal or a fruitloop short of a full bowl or something more politically correct. Most of you don't remember the world before political correctness when retard didn't automatically mean a diss on the mentally handicap or even on the person's mental faculties... There was actually a time when people just said it to mean someone was being silly.

Like if I was hanging out with Albert Einstein... let's say he was my college roomate and some college girls wanted to go out with us and Einstein was like [mockingly] "I'm too busy solving relativity", I would be like... Einstein... you retard. I'd be like Einstein, you're little equations aren't going to amount to anything that important anyways... I would, I mean people didn't know at the time what a big deal it would be portrayed as. In fact, I probably wouldn't have even been the first person to call Einstein a retard, Einstein was not a good student... always daydreaming about light particals, and space time and Maxwell vs Newton. People didn't know... but even if they had, I'd still call him a retard because you can always solve relativity later... you think someone else wouldn't have done that by now without Einstein? He at best gave society a little head start.... but again, sure, Einstein was an intellectual genius, but if he wasn't going to go out with me I'd still say he's a retard, I don't know how else to tell you guys... I'm sorry if Einstein is your hero, but he's a total retard. II'm not saying I'm smarter than him, but the dude was probably retarded.

I mean you guys seem offended, but just so you know...

I wanted to tell that joke about Steven Hawking but the idea of calling a guy in a wheelchair a retard when he's clearly disabled just seems like a little much, even for me... So when I compare the two, I bet you feel a lot better about my Einstein joke? It's like when they were talking about Tom Brady deflating a football he actually said "it's not like this is ISIS, nobody died" perfect example, compare something to a worse extreme and it seems better. I mean Einstein joke doesn't seem so bad compared to the Dr Hawking one, right?

What am i gonna say "Steven Hawking, quit playing in your wheelchair you retard..." I mean... I'm just not that guy, I have at least some standards of decency, you know. Like I will call Einstein a retard but Steven Hawking actually might be there in his wheelchair drooling while he uses one cheek muscle to try to allegedly solve the biggest problems of science. and you think I'm going to make fun of that guy instead?

There's also a chance that Steven Hawking is just an experiment by IBM at this point. I mean the diagnosis of Hawking was ALS which means on average he should've only lasted 2 years not 3 decades... so either we should be microchipping him to receive every bit of biofeedback data possible and watching him and seeing where he hides his immortality device... or he's IBM's experimental version of Watson where they use a computer to tap into this brain and keep it alive... maybe press a button to move a cheek muscle every now and then so you think there's actually a human life.

And I know someone's going to be offended about the word retard despite me redefining it to mean a silly person but you know what? I'm here thinking "Oh, are you offended I compared the mentally handicap to Albert Einstein now, too?! Even if it meant what you think it means does that make me a bad guy for saying those retards are acting like Albert Einstein? I mean who do you think I'm offending here? Again, to me when I say retard, I mean "silly person" and I'm only telling you how I used to use that word back when it was okay... if you want to twist my words into something else and rearrange what I actually said just so you can feel upset and physically bother yourself then you're probably better off hiring a [] to abuse you.. at least that way you'll probably get more out of it.

I'm not a total free speech absolutist but I'm close. I mean free speech works if we as a nation subscribe to general decency and conversation. IF I say something that offends you, use your free speech to tell me so I can take it under consideration. Then I might make adjustments if you convince me I'm violating human decency if it doesn't take too big of a hit to the humor of the situation. Freedom is as good as what they're used for.

and I could be totally wrong about this, but when military soldiers come home after protecting our freedoms and believing the best about america... and then they come home and see people tweeting cat photos they gotta be just miserable.

I think cats are evil. I'm sorry I know I'm offending a huge portion of the audience... what's left of you... but there is a reason dogs try to chase cats and they're so loyal that they'll probably not do it if you tell them ot to or if you have both a dog and a cat and the dog sees you treat the cat like family... but think about it... Dogs are loyal they will love you even when you mistrat them. They will adopt the personality of their owners to be more compatable with you... If you're watching the news and you're thinking "AHHH therre's bad things in the world, North Korea might have nukes, people die sometimes from dangerous things" The dogs are picking up on going "yeah... scary things!" So when they see someone walking near your yard in the actual world they're going "AHH, Scary things!" "there's bad things in the world, now there's someone outside, AHH! Is this an invasion... I better warn everyone that can hear me! ARGHH!!! AHHH ARF ARF!!!! AHHH ARFF!

Cats will scratch your favorite furniture and leave you for someone that gave them a saucer of milk because they meowed outside the door. Doesnt anyone hear the demonic hiss when a cat is angry? look, I get it several of you don't believe me yet... and it's totally true I may be biased... When I was 12 I was golfing with a friend and a cat ran in front of the fairway... now any golfer knows that's a pretty evil thing to do... but that's not why I think cats are evil. It caught a mouse and toyed with it, looked up at us and saw we were watching and so it bit the mouses head off as we heard the bones crunch...  Then it walked away!

People say humans kill for sport as if we're the only ones. at least humans don't torture the thing intentionally just to horrify people and then leave a decapicated creature on display to the entire world.  Even Hitler liked animals, So that's basically proof cats are worse than Hitler, right? Fortunately cats don't have any real power, but they're clever...

You think it's a coincidence cats happen to do something cute right in front of the lady's laptop while she's on facebook with a camera beside her?

Dont you take that photo! Don't become an accomplice to cats evil plan of global domination...

Think about it, they're starting with the strongest and bravest (and often times the most selfless) warriors.

Freedoms are only as good as what we use them for.

What's worse, going to combat and having bullets whizz by you, or coming home and logging onto facebook and watching cat photos whizz by you?!
Watchinging the terrors of war as an explosion occurs... or coming home and having your phone blow up ... with cat photo?!

...

...

...Believe me, this is a game of conspiracy theory poker that cannot be defeated.. Where could you possibly go from here other than revealing yourself to be a shape shifting alien that has infiltrated the illuminati and actually demonstrate your shape shifting abilities right in front of me?


I went the full crazy and I want to thank you all for participating... I have to go now, I'm going to put on fake teeth and get on a subway with Subway Ted so we can tell people about the flouride in our water.

"Fluoride is a toxin that slows down your immune system, blocks your iodine receptors and has been proven in studies to lower IQ, and even CNN admits this now!"

Everyone's Crazy Except the Crazy People!

Everyone is crazy!
I mean how come you don't have every single person with an IQ above 120 unanimously agree? On anything! EVER! When's the last time you saw a debate on an issue and the people on the opposing side upon hearing the facts said, "you're absolutely right, thanks for pointing out to me logic.", huh? anyone?

 ...There is no logic!!

Take for example this idea that government allegedly won't disclose some information because they "wouldn't want to cause a panic?" I'm sure that seems logical to pretty much everyone, but really? What exactly is a panic?

AM I going to run down with my arm flailing around yelling this information out loud and every single person in the country is going to join me?

Then WHAT? So what if they do? Then we'll all be standing their looking silly with our hands above our heads looking at each other until we run out of things to worry about and decide to go home anyways... I mean what kind of troll protests? Nobody. Just paid agitators. Plus, I mean who can sustain that amount of energy indefinitely besides a 4 year old with ADHD? Even if we panicked it's not going to do anything and it's certainly not going to last very long.

These are the people that decide they're going to make decisions and we're the nincompoops that thinks "yeah, that seems about right, let them decide"?

Oh no, I better stop talking like this or I'm going to "instigate a riot".

That one always gets me....

What does that even mean?

I mean, I'm just a guy here, I'm probably underinformed on rioting and panics, but can someone tell me....

TO what degree do I have to be responsible for the other crazy people next to me?

Like I'm here just saying things are less than ideal and we should do something, I didn't expect this idiot over here to tip over a car and light stuff on fire and break vandalism laws... and now I'm the bad guy? why? Because everyone else is crazy and decides breaking the law is suddenly logical if someone else is angry? Maybe put away everybody else for being a dumbass making excuses as to what "instigated them"? Like can I get away with  walking up and punching a guy in the face and say his haircut instigated me? Of course not!

So what is this "instigation" stuff?

Remember that "don't taze me bro" incident? The guy was like asking questions about why both Bush and Kerry belonged to the same secret society and John Kerry points his finger and all of a sudden the guy is being arrested. He's like "WHY?" they're like "you're instigating a riot"... but dude, the cop thought that was perfectly logical and that HE was the sane person for injecting 20,000 volts of electricity into the guy for asking an unpopular question. And besides, the cop was just following instructions from an authority figure as if that's any justification. So when the guy was freaking out a little bit because he didn't think he did anything wrong and wanted a simple explanation... ELECTRIC SHOCK!

I mean Kerry and Bush attended this secret fraternity where they'd lay in a coffin and the other guys wouldn't let them out until they revealed intimate secrets and meanwhile society says... oh yeah, they're both totally credible authority figures one of them should be president.

Maybe that's why politicians don't want to "cause a panic" because in their minds they'd be instigating a riot.

I mean plot twist, I'm the funny paranoid retard but for some odd reason, I'm 10 times more sane than your average [person, troll, oxygen thief]!

I don't know, maybe I'll go to the secret cults where they lay down in circles wearing goats masks and make snow angels while calling it "art" so society will accept me as a normal functioning sociopath like the rest of you.

Did you ever think that maybe the people in a mental institution are the sane ones and the people that put them there are the crazy ones because we remind them of the fact that reality isn't as they think and they're the crazy ones.

The people that have the power to deem others crazy not only presumed to have the ability to evaluate their mental state, and their inner thoughts, but they presumed they also were perfectly sane and perfectly objective while they are locking someone away with no actual crime or plot to commit a crime.

This is what is crazy... that people are being locked up for seeing a different reality than you... not me and my tinfoil hat talking about time travel, mind control and reality shifts..

But let's assume the crazy happened and we were informed the government trolls have been talking with aliens. Would we really panic? Even if we all ran onto the streets with our arms waving around like crazy people until we were all shoulder to shoulder.... why couldn't they just taze one single person and everyone else would be so close in proximity that everyone out in the street would be tazed at once and then while we were laying there they could just build a giant mental institution around us all. It's not exactly like anyone could get up and go home even if that were such a bad thing. You'd just taze the giant pile of people and before you'd know it the next guy that tried to get up would be tackled and they'd self police..

No see, they don't want bond holders of U.S. Debt to panic because then they couldn't finance their control over use to the same degree. They aren't worried about a bunch of idiots flailing their arms around. But they won't tell you that because that raises questions like "Why does the government have debt anyways? who owns that debt? Why can't the treasury print their own..."

But just so I don't get locked up for asking those questions, now is when I normally go tinto the insane person character again. So why not?! The moon is not made of cheese organically, the illumin-astronaughtys are stealing our cheese and coating the moon with cheese as a giant conspiracy by cheezey cracker companies to sell trips to the moon for a million dollar snack!!